mentorship

Once again, something completely unrelated to business has me thinking about employee motivation. This morning I was reading about conditional regard—a parenting concept in psychology that describes what happens when children feel valued only if they behave, perform, or achieve in specific ways. At first, conditional regard can look like a powerful motivator. Parents see children following rules, chasing grades, and striving for approval. From the outside, it can look like success.

But in the long term, the results are corrosive. Children raised on conditional regard often learn to fear mistakes. They come to believe that their worth depends entirely on what they produce or how perfectly they behave. Approval isn’t unconditional; it must be earned again and again. The cost is often anxiety, self-doubt, an inability to take healthy risks, or checkout of of ambition altogether.

The Employer Version of Conditional Regard

I think there’s a loose corollary to employment.

Of course, employment is not parenting. It is, by definition, conditional: we hire people for a role, we pay them to deliver results, and the basic expectation is that they meet the responsibilities of the job. Employment is conditional in a way parenting should never be.

But as managers and leaders, we also have responsibility for motivation. It’s in our best interests to cultivate a culture where employees are innovative, driven, and helping us outshine competitors. But here’s the thing: human motivation doesn’t come in separate flavors for different roles—whether parenting or management, the same psychology is at work.

Conditional Regard as Employee Motivation Often Backfires

Business leans heavily on conditional approval as a tool of employee motivation. But it often backfires. So much so, that one of the current themes in employment memes is that employees now declare they will “Not be excelling. They will simply be meeting expectations.” This resonates for a reason.

Too many organizations send the message that meeting expectations is never enough. That unless someone is always going “above and beyond,” they aren’t truly valued. Yet “meeting expectations” is not failure. It’s success—it’s exactly what the employment contract is for.

Most employers don’t pay 20% above benchmark salaries with the understanding that employees will are expected to exceed expectations by 20%. They pay the benchmark—the amount the market suggests is correct for a given role in a given context. Yet managers routinely expect employees to exceed expectations all the time. And the tool they reach for is conditional regard: approval only when performance exceeds.

The Flaw in Performance Management

This points to a major flaw in performance management. Exceeding expectations is not about producing more widgets, working later hours, or piling on additional tasks without recognition. True exceeding comes from insight, creativity, and innovation. It’s when an employee notices something in the customer experience that no one else has. Or understands a process so deeply they can redesign it for better outcomes. Or tests a new idea that may fail—but might also lead to a new level of achievement.

That kind of exceeding doesn’t happen every day (and if you have employees doing it constantly, I hope you’re paying them like the rock stars they are). Real exceeding comes in sparks and leaps. And it can only happen when employees feel safe in two specific ways:

The Biggest Drivers of Employee Motivation

First, they must know their “meeting expectations” selves are valued. That showing up, doing the work they are paid to do, and doing it well, is genuinely appreciated.

Second, they must know it is safe to make mistakes. To experiment. To bring their full perspective to the work. Because if every misstep risks their approval—or worse, their job—why would they take the risk?

So yes, employment is conditional. But if we want employees to go beyond the contract, piling on expectations won’t get us there. Creating trust, safety, and genuine regard are the true keys to employee motivation. When people know they are valued even when they’re “only” meeting expectations, they will choose, perhaps even often, to exceed them.

There’s something low-key terrifying about starting something new—especially when we’re no longer beginners in most areas of our lives. Whether you’re launching a new idea, stepping into unfamiliar territory at work, or picking up a skill you’ve never tried before, the discomfort of not being good at something can be enough to make you stop before you start.

But that’s the moment where most of us get in our own way—not because we’re incapable, but because we’re resisting being seen or seeing ourselves as incapable. We avoid the stumbles, the awkward first tries, the trial-and-error process that learning requires. We choose perfection over progress, mastery over movement.

And in doing so, we block ourselves from our own potential.

The Power of Yet

There’s a tiny word with enormous power: yet.

“I don’t know how to do this... yet.”
“I haven’t figured this out... yet.”
“I’m not sure if I can succeed... yet.”

Yet reframes failure as process. It places the emphasis on becoming, not being. It reminds us that growth isn’t static, and that skills are not innate gifts, but cultivated abilities.

When we embrace the word yet, we give ourselves permission to stay open. We shift our focus from what we lack to what we’re building. We turn fear into curiosity—and curiosity is the fuel of every bold new beginning.

Getting Out of Your Own Way

If you’ve been feeling stuck or uncertain about a new challenge, try asking yourself:

• Am I waiting until I feel completely ready before I move forward?
• Am I avoiding discomfort because I fear how I’ll be perceived?
• What would change if I allowed myself to be a joyful beginner?

You may find that the only thing standing between you and leveling up is your resistance to being a student again.

Start Before You Feel Ready

If my experience is any guide, you won’t feel ready. You’ll feel unsure, maybe even foolish. But the way forward is not through knowing—it’s through doing. Learning is messy. Growth is nonlinear. Progress is built on imperfection.

So the next time you face something you don’t yet know how to do, remember: your full potential isn’t waiting at the finish line. It’s unfolding right here, in the moment you decide to begin anyway.

Run laughing into it.

This month the New York Post’s Page Six gossip column took the female CEO of a major jewelry company to task for being abrasive, hurting employees’ feelings, and keeping employees in long meetings. The article was passed around in jewelry circles as an example of both bad bosses and female-leader-bashing, depending on the point of view. In my point of view, it was both.

Well, not necessarily. We’re talking about a gossip page in a newspaper for Pete’s sake. Whispers of irritation from inside sources don’t seem reliable to me, and I have no idea whether or not this person is a good boss. But there are two things that really should be addressed.

The first, and many have said this before me, is that if a man said the same things or acted in the same ways, he would be considered a bold and aggressive leader, action oriented, with high expectations. Men are leaders, women are bossy, right? When female leaders are tough they make the gossip sheet. When male leaders are tough they call it news. This will only change when we refuse to turn a blind eye to it. The news editors will stop writing it when people like us stop clicking on it and start writing letters to the editor about it.

The second is the thing that bothers me about my first statement. If it were a man . . . it would be perfectly acceptable to be a bad boss. As a corporate culture expert, I can’t let that stand without challenging it. The last thing corporate culture needs is another bad boss, and the last thing women should do to ascend corporate power structures is to become bad bosses.

I do believe there are some general differences between men and women as leaders; differences in the way we communicate, differences in the way we problem-solve, and differences in the way we lead. I say general differences, because plenty of individual men and women behave outside their gender norms. But there are differences. For women, these differences can be a source of tremendous leadership strength in a world where corporate behavior is increasingly challenged and employees expect more effective power structures, more respectful treatment and more inspiring leadership.

What are these leadership and management traits that women are typically better at, and how can we cultivate them to create healthier, more innovative, and more resilient companies?

Women are more efficient with time

In my observation, women are efficient with time and men are efficient with things. If you’ve ever waited 45 minutes for your husband to load the dishwasher, finally gave up and loaded it yourself, and then discovered he rearranged how you placed the dishes inside, you know what I mean.

Being efficient with time is a critical component of strong management. Getting the right things done first, letting the less-important things fall to a lower priority, entering a meeting with an agenda and clear expectations and moving efficiently to a set of meeting deliverables; these are things that women are (yes, generally) better at. Time efficiency not only saves the company money, it speeds innovation and it respects that employees are busy too.

Women are more collaborative

Collaboration, cross-discipline innovation, and information-sharing will be at the heart of the next era of business. Men tend to be more competitive with their peers and women tend to be more collaborative. Leaders who know how to participate as a member of the team and who are capable of inspiring team members to collaborate with each other are increasingly in demand.

Women are better leaders across the board

In fact, Harvard Business Review conducted a study in 2012 that indicated women were definitively better leaders than men, excelling in the following areas:

•   Takes Initiative
•   Practices Self-Development
•   Displays High Integrity and Honesty
•   Drives for Results
•   Develops Others
•   Inspires and Motivates Others
•   Builds Relationships
•   Establishes Stretch Goals
•   Champions Change
•   Solves Problems and Analyzes Issues
•   Communicates Powerfully and Prolifically
•   Connects the Group to the Outside World
•   Innovates
•   Technical or Professional Expertise

Whew! The only point on which men scored higher than women was Develops Strategic Perspective (hey, if you're worried I can help you with that).

How do we change?

How do we cultivate more of these behaviors and make it safe for women – and men – to lead in ways that in the past may have been viewed as weak or less masculine?

The first is to break the barrier that places men in the majority of leadership positions (64% overall, 78% of top managers). Whether this is due to blatant discrimination or more insidious social conventions is irrelevant; the only way to change a pattern is to disrupt it. And men are not solely responsible for this imbalance. I cringe to think of every time I’ve heard a woman say, “I hate working for women bosses, they’re bitches.” We can hardly expect men to stop looking at leadership as a gender issue when women are also responsible for reinforcing negative perceptions. How do we disrupt the pattern? By actively supporting women we work with as they are offered promotions, by being less suspicious and more supportive of women bosses, and – for those of us in a position to do so – by addressing our own biases and hiring qualified women to management positions.

The second thing we can do is provide mentorship. Most companies – particularly outside the Fortune 500 (which is most companies) – do a terrible job of providing training and mentorship for new managers. Those of us with extensive leadership experience must provide mentorship to new female managers (though I wouldn't turn away a fella who wanted mentorship to be a more effective leader), helping them choose positive and productive management traits over the less desirable traits they may be more familiar with. This mentorship should extend to managers who have been in their roles for some time, but who sense they could be more effective if they learned a different approach.

Finally, we need to work on our own leadership skills. Every day, without fail. Our shared goal should be to create work places filled with mutual respect, excellent communication, joy in shared success, freedom to make mistakes and learn from them, trust for management, work/life balance, and concern for workers’ families.

So the next time you read an article that takes a woman to task for being a strong leader, speak out against treating women differently than men when it comes to strength. Then, take a moment to privately hope that the female leader in question hasn’t made the mistake of leading like a man.

Today (but it happens quite often) I encountered yet another meme that made fun of Gen Z. A few years ago the bashing was all about Millennials. Some time soon we'll be picking on Generation Alpha. I remember what it was like going into the workforce as a one of the first Gen X (or possibly a very young Boomer... the boundaries seem to  be fuzzy) and being picked on for... being younger? But I am old enough to remember my grandparents and great Aunts and Uncles (Silent Generation) bemoaning the profligacy (and long hair) of those Baby Boomers.

The idea that any one generation is any better or worse than another is extremely limited. Moreover, it's fruitless, as time and generations march on regardless.

Every generation brings its strengths and its shortcomings to the world, a product of the world they grew up in and the parenting they received as a result of the world their parents grew up in. I have encountered employees of every generation that are amazing, and employees of every generation that fail to impress.

When I was raising a house full of Millennials I was blown away by their ability to collaborate and their desire for and pursuit of purpose. Gen Z's independence and inclusiveness are inspiring. Gen Alpha's innovativeness and global awareness will help us build a better world. We can capitalize on all these attributes as business owners and leaders.

The person who posted the derogatory meme today billed himself on LinkedIn as a motivational speaker and leadership coach... a dealer in hope. Huh. Being a leader is about motivating and empowering people regardless of generation (or any categorization). When we approach that role with open hearts, open minds, genuine enthusiasm for other humans, and a bit of self-awareness and humility, we find all the labels drop away, and what remains is community, alignment, and progress.

This is a situation we encounter too often in our work at the WeRx Brands. I've turned it into a fictionalized account to protect the perpetrators...

An employee (let's call her Lisa) gets hired by a reputable company following her completion of a degree in computer sciences. She's thrilled, and can't wait to start applying her education to real-world projects. Her new boss (let's call him Bill) has been with the company for 19 years. He's the Operations Manager, a truly nice person, and excited to welcome Lisa to the world of work.

In her first few weeks, Lisa notices that Bill does everything manually. Inventory? Updated in Excel by hand. Reports? Compiled from printed logs. When Lisa mentions a tool that could automate half of this, Bill nods and says, "I've heard of that. Just haven't had time to look into it." A few more times Lisa mentions other processes that could be automated with simple, inexpensive solutions. Each time Bill says, "That's great stuff. Maybe down the road."

Lisa finds herself getting really good at... Excel. She can VLOOKUP with the best of them. But her skills, the ones she's worked so hard to develop, start to atrophy.

She applies for a different job at another company, and gets it. When she gives her notice, Bill is really surprised. He says, "I thought you were happy! We were grooming you for leadership." And Lisa responds, "I just didn't feel like I could grow here."

We see this same story play out across many roles:

• The IT/Sys Admin stuck maintaining legacy systems, or helping an outdated ERP system limp along, and not updating or adopting new technology.
• The marketing generalist stuck with traditional campaign methods and management, and working in a first generation CRM without access to automation, personalization, testing technology, or analytics tools.
• The accounting admin stuck in a bookkeeping mindset, faced with slow closes, no use of forecasting or financial modeling tools, and no automation.
• The sales person stuck with rudimentary CRM (or no CRM at all), not exposed to modern selling methods like data-driven selling and account-based management, and not able to benefit from extensive sales automations and support.
• The HR person stuck in transactional HR, without focus on strategic talent development or employee experience.
  The Customer Service rep stuck in basic problem-solving, rudimentary ticketing, not viewed as a revenue driver, not using chat, knowledge bases, or leading CRM tools.
• Manufacturing supervisors stuck in manual scheduling with low tech-adoption, no automation, no use of lean practices.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

When it comes to people development, we set the pace. When leaders stop learning, the whole team slows down. Technology changes how work is done, and staying current isn't just good for business... it's a signal to employees that their growth matters.

For those of us in leadership roles, our learning curve doesn't end. We're not just responsible for delivering results (though that's reason enough). We're also responsible for creating an environment where people can grow. Falling behind doesn't just limit ourselves — it limits everyone who's counting on us to lead the way. Want to retain good people? Keep learning, and stay worth following.

As a writer, I value the editors in my life. They find my errors, recognize when I need to clarify, and push me to be better. An excellent editor approaches the task without self-involvement or ego - she seeks excellence for the sake of excellence.

Back when I was first studying the craft of writing, my professors drilled into me the importance of loving - and not resisting - the red pen of the editor. It wasn't easy at first, but as I began to see how much better the edits made my writing, my appreciation grew.

Once editing is an essential part of your life, you seek its benefits in other areas. We all need the impartial eye of someone we can trust, someone whose discernment is impeccable, to bring us thoughtful critique. A trusted life-editor - a mentor - can help us recognize when our judgment is off, when we are exhibiting less empathy, more ego, or reduced awareness of how we are behaving. Truly honing the self requires the insight of others.

Of course, not everyone can be trusted with this role. If you've ever had the experience of someone criticizing or manipulating you to do something 'for your own good' when clearly they were driven by selfishness, greed, or insecurity, you know what I mean.

When we look for relationships in life, this quality should be part of our consideration, and building the trust necessary to give and take the editing should be part of the commitment. This is also true of the mentors in our professional lives. We often perceive a mentor to be someone who coaches us on skills, but the best mentors coach us on behavior, professionalism, accountability, and maturity.

I have been blessed with excellent editors in my personal and professional life, and as the decades go by, their advice and guidance has become better and better. If you do not have these editors in your own life, its time to seek them

The process starts with you; you must evaluate your ability to accept feedback and work on your 'editability'.  We can only lay the groundwork by ourselves though, cultivate the willingness. The sometimes painful, sometimes revelatory, always challenging work of being edited is something we hone over time, and only with practice.

Of course, no successful relationship is one-sided. It is essential that we cultivate the ability to be a thoughtful, not self-interested, non-judgmental editor for others as well.

I've learned to love the red ink in my life, though on occasion it can still be hard to embrace in the moment. But at the end of the day, as my self-review rolls by in almost cartoon form, with red scratch-outs, redirects, and suggestions appearing in the margins, I enjoy the peace of mind that comes from knowing that, though one gets no re-dos, one need not suffer from repeats.

I encountered a situation the other day that has been on my mind all weekend. For a number of months now, one of our most high-performance employees has been on a downward slide -- in her performance, her morale, and unfortunately, in her behavior. The downward slide coincided with the addition of a new member to her department -- a member she demonstrates a clear and seemingly irrational distaste for. The results are reasonably predictable -- the new employee does not get well trained or mentored, assimilation of the new employee ground to a halt, and other members of the department felt forced to pick sides. What a disappointment.

We've been fairly straightforward in dealing with this problem. The star performer has been there for nearly a decade, and continues to grow in her capabilities. We don't want her to go anywhere. The new employee comes with great experience and references, though from a related field. It's very difficult to find quality employees with this background who can also get through our rigorous pre-employment assessment process. There's no reason to think she won't ultimately be great, and we don't want to lose her. So we (that would be myself and the leadership group involved in this area) have been direct, have held individual and group discussions, and have made it clear that in the absence of information to suggest the new employee can't be successful, we expect her training and assimilation to continue, and that we'll provide support as appropriate. We worked with the department to break down the walls that had formed as people chose sides. For the most part the new employee began to assimilate and the group returned to more productive working behaviors.

Except for our star. She continues to spiral, and went so far as to confide to a co-worker that the new employee had "stolen her mojo." This deeply threatened behavior continues to show up, and as recently as last week, when asked if she was providing training as appropriate, our star said, "Well, if she asks me a question I try to find time to answer it." I was completely at a loss. It was honest all right. But you'd have to be completely delusional to admit you were behaving so pettily in front of a group of peers!

I decided after that comment that I better take an active role in the training of the members of that team. I don't want to take the risk that they will continue to divide and slide, and I have the direct knowledge necessary to assist with the assimilation of this person and any new people they bring into their area. Clearly we can't keep depending heavily on our star's abilities, because she's demonstrated that she's stuck at the interpersonal conflict level.

So on Friday I brought some training information to their group meeting. And as I shared the knowledge I brought, I could see that it was not only meaningful to the other members of the team, but that our star was actively engaged, writing down notes and asking questions. And I had an insight about our star.

I think she may be totally intuitive. I think it's possible that she is so naturally good at what she does -- is so clearly playing to her personal strengths -- that she doesn't really know "why" she does certain things, or perhaps doesn't reflect on what she's doing at all. And if that's the case, when a series of new employees (because the woman referred to above is the third near-failure in adding teammates to this area) have been handed to our star with an instruction to train them and mentor them, maybe she had no clue how to impart what she knows to someone else in a way that permits them to become independently successful. And if that's the case, then even as her frustration with her new team members grew, it's very likely that she began to suffer from feelings of inadequacy and shaken confidence as a trainer as well.

Some people simply don't know how to train others, because they aren't process thinkers. We can train others to think as we think to a small extent, but we can train others to do as we do to a great extent. If we train desired outcomes and specific activities and behaviors, our trainees are far more likely to be successful. If we train someone to "be" like us or to think like us, they are likely to fail and we are likely to be frustrated. A process thinker can break down what they do into small increments and then train those increments. A process thinker will turn seemingly complex jobs into a series of discreet tasks. Our star isn't a process thinker, and there are probably a lot of other stars like her.

I'm going to invest in a careful strategy of breaking down the work in that area and working with all the members of the team to ensure they know the processes that will lead to success. I'm hoping that by using my process approach the other team members will quickly catch up to the point we were hoping they would be at before now. I'm also hoping that by taking some of the training burden off our star, she'll have the capacity and the inclination to do the internal work of accepting that a lot of the problems on her team and between herself and the other woman have to do with her difficulties training and her handling of her feelings when she couldn't get the results she wanted.

It's possible that my observation on Friday was incorrect, so I'll pay attention to this thing as it unfolds. But if this insight is correct, then I'll have learned a very important lesson for the future. From now on, I'll consider whether or not someone is a process thinker before entrusting the training and mentoring of new team members to them. And when training and mentoring are taking place for new associates in the future, I'll also keep a keen eye on how the new associates are progressing, and whether their trainer is focused on teaching the new person how to think (like them), or whether the trainer is focused on teaching the new person the desired end results and actions required to achieve them.

And hopefully, everyone will live happily (together) ever after.